The Happiness Clinic
I woke up to the sound of the mixer grinder. Damn. With a loud sigh, I squinted at the ugly Ajanta wall clock that hung on the wall opposite to my bed. It was 6:30AM. Irritation surged through my nerves. Can’t a man lie in bed till a decent hour?
With a frown that looked like railway tracks on my forehead, I staggered out of bed and finished my morning ablutions. Five minutes into the day, and I was already angry, irritated, and felt a vast emptiness spread inside me and around me. Off late, I felt this way all the time. Perhaps some hormonal problem? After all, I was sixty one, and everyone kept hammering into my head that I am ‘old’.
I tightened my veshti and walked into the living room. My wife looked at me and smiled. She opened her mouth to say something – probably to ask if I had slept well. But my world-famous frown stopped her in her tracks.
“Why do you have to switch on that blasted mixie so early in the morning?” I growled. Her smile flickered and faded away. She quietly went into the kitchen and brought my cup of coffee. I wanted to kick myself. I wanted to say something nice, but felt stupid. So I continued to frown. She hovered around and slunk away into the kitchen again. I felt helpless and hopeless.
Two years ago, I had retired, after a long, long career as an accountant in a semi-private firm that manufactured car auto parts. The first year of retirement was a breeze. Almost everyone had predicted that I would be bored within a week, and would seek out employment again. But I had other plans! Forty-five years of working for the same firm, forty-five years of the same routine, and forty-five years of the same faces…what made people even think that I would get back into a similar job again? Perhaps it was my character – that of a sedate, non-controversial, non-confrontational, mild-mannered, mild-tempered, hard-working gentleman. Oh! But they would all be in for a surprise - I had thought cheerfully. There were so many things that I wanted to do! Especially, I wanted to travel – it would be such a great break for both me and Radha – my wife, best friend and soul-mate for the last forty years!
The only trip we managed was this temple tour – Chidambaram, Palani, Rameshwaram…you get the picture right? I hated it. With a vengeance. I have nothing against temples. But, what I had in mind was completely different. I wanted to take Radha to some exotic locales; stay in a good resort…you know? But Radha had innocently told the plan to other relatives, and before long, fifteen people had jumped in, and had decided on the plan and the itinerary. I had agreed amicably…as I had done in all confrontational situations throughout my adult life.
I guess that trip was the turning point. The only thing I remember from that stupid trip is standing. Standing, standing, standing. In queues. Either for the puja, or for the prasadam. I was so distraught, that when I stood before the Lord in the sanctum sanctorum of all the temples, all I could do was to pout and frown in anger. From then on, life went downhill. All those things that I had planned to do…well, everything evaporated.
Every year, from February to June, and again from August to November, there would be some function or the other; that had to be attended. Somebody’s somebody’s child or sibling’s marriage. Or thread ceremony. Or house-warming ceremony. I detested going to these functions. I mean, we were not even close to these people, and they would invite us either by phone or by post. Yet, we had to go, because they had attended all the functions in my family.
Whenever we went to these functions, Radha would be enveloped by a group of ladies of all ages, shapes and sizes and whisked away. Yes. No function could proceed smoothly without Radha’s expertise. And I would be left behind, sitting quietly in some corner, feeling stupid. Or worse, I would sit in a group of similar ‘left-over’ husbands. Don’t even get me started on them. The conversations would always be around my retirement – “How are you spending time?” I would smile and mumble something. But progressively, these questions started grating on me. Especially, when these fellows got a whiff that I was bored; the advices started pouring in. Finally, on one such occasion, they had really pushed all my buttons.
“These small-time showrooms will definitely need cashiers. With your accountant background, you will easily get some part-time job.” One fat buffoon informed me while digging his nose.
“No! No!” replied another pot-bellied, self-styled astrologer-type fellow. The thiruman on his forehead looked like a huge flag. In fact, if anyone went to the moon right now, apart from the Great Wall of China, they would be able to clearly see this clown’s thiruman. “Again working as cashier and all that is stressful,” he drawled in an all-knowing tone, “Raghavan, do you know that small Ganapathi temple two roads away from your house?”
I grunted a yes. By then, all the veins my body had started throbbing. It was already 1:30PM and yet, there was no sign of announcing lunch in this blasted marriage ceremony. The priest was a slow cow. I wanted to jump into the mandapa and whack the priest on his head just to speed up things. Bugger did not even know the mantras properly, kept peeking into some torn book to recite.
“Raghavan?” Astrologer fellow was looking at me with a ‘my-advice-is-great’ smile.
“I did not hear.” I replied. My frown had deepened.
“I said; you can work in that Ganapathi temple. Just be a part of the trust and oversee temple management. The environment will suit your personality.”
That was it. He had pushed the trigger button.
“Why? WHAT? What do you THINK my personality is?” My voice was very high-pitched. Both fat fellows were taken aback.
Astrologer-type meekly answered “No, what I meant was, it will be nice to spend time in a temple. You will not get bored, and make some money also.”
“I am not ninety. I am only sixty. I don’t want to spend time in a temple. Anyway, it is none of your business. I have discharged all my responsibilities. My son is well settled, and I owe nothing to anyone…and I will spend time watching MTV! So there! You have a problem with that?” I had not breathed.
The fat fellows were unsure as to how to react. They just mumbled something to soothe me down. But by then, I was like a Deepavali ‘rocket’ whose fuse had been lit. I shouted at two old women who were blocking the way to the mandapa. “Sit down and yak! Can’t you see the empty chairs?” The startled women scurried away like rabbits escaping a python. My next target was the priest. I marched up to the mandapa and yelled at him. He was so startled, that he almost put his fat foot into the hissing and cackling homa. The bride and bridegroom looked thankfully at me. Soon, a bunch of elders calmed me down, and chastised the priest for taking such a long time. Someone prudently escorted me to the dining hall and I ate in silence.
That was the end of my social life. Good riddance if you ask me. These functions are depressive with everyone talking only about diabetes, and BP and kidney failures and what not. None of the buggers have a zest for life.
Before long, I had become a social outcast of sorts. People irritated me, and I snarled at them. Radha thought that I was finding it difficult to adjust to the idea of retirement. She confided in my son and daughter-in-law. They wrung their hands helplessly. What had happened to the mild-mannered Raghavan they all knew? I should be in the company of like-minded people they decided. My son, Sridhar, suggested that I join a club which met in Lal Bagh every morning.
“What does the club do?” I asked with enthusiasm. Perhaps it was a nature club, and they went on hikes, or rock climbing…oh! Or river rafting!
“This is a laughing club, Appa.” Sridhar smiled at me. For his sake, I joined the club. A whole bunch of old geezers laughing like morons, early in the morning. It made me surlier.
My daughter-in-law enrolled me into Art-of-Living course. The instructor said I can’t have coffee for the first one week of the course or something like that. I did not return. Damn you people with your rules, rules, rules… I thought darkly.
My family gave up on me. Slowly, I realized that whenever I was in the room, a hush fell, or the conversation would be polite and guarded. I wanted to laugh with them, and participate in their lives, in my grand-children’s lives, but I had isolated myself. And so, every morning, I woke up with a sigh, and with that empty feeling.
But that day – well it was something!
*****************************
My grand-children usually come to my place after school. Their school van drops them at 4:10pm sharp. By which time, Radha would have prepared a light tiffin for them. I go out for a walk by 4:30pm, and return by 6:00pm.
My son and daughter-in-law drop in by 8:00pm, to pick up the children. By which time, Radha would have ensured that the children have finished their homework. I usually sit quietly, reading something or the other, but all the while, observing Radha. I don’t know how she gets so much done. She is always on top of things. Poor thing, she needs to be appreciated more often. I take her for granted too much.
That evening, I set out as usual at 4:30pm.
“I think it is better you stay at home, it might rain heavily any moment!” Radha commented looking outside the window, and sipping her coffee.
“I will take the umbrella and go.” I frowned.
My house is in Jayanagar, Bengalooru. It is near 4th block shopping complex. I usually take a long walk, sometimes I go to Gandhi Bazar, or even Basavandagudi. Outside, the wind had picked up speed. Plastic sheets were flying dreamily before getting entangled in electric poles or trees. The sky was smoke gray, with dark, brooding clouds. Should I head back? I thought as I struggled with my umbrella. But the thought of sitting at home for the rest of evening bored me. Besides, what’s a little rain, anyway? I pouted and frowned, and headed out towards Gandhi Bazar.
The rain came in sheets, fast and furious. I was still in one of the by-lanes in Jayanagar. I quickly hopped into a doorway, and stood watching the rain. I should have listened to Radha, I thought dejectedly. This was the kind of monsoon rain which would not stop for the next couple of hours. This was the kind of rain that Bengalooru dreaded – it was the ‘flooding’ rain.
There was a gentle cough behind me, and I jumped out of my skin. I turned around. Behind me, there was a flight of cement stairs. At the landing, I saw an elderly gentleman, possibly my age. I could not make out his features, because it was twilight dark.
“Please, do come up and make yourself comfortable. It will be a while before the rain stops.” He had a gentle, yet firm voice. A voice that is usually obeyed instantly.
I smiled, and climbed up the stairs, and followed him to a corridor. There seemed to be a couple of empty shops, all with their shutters down. At the far end of the corridor, stood a doctor’s clinic. The stranger gestured me towards the clinic.
“Oh! So you are a doctor?” I enquired politely. The stranger smiled and nodded. The board on the clinic said ‘Happiness Clinic’.
Inside the clinic, it was really cosy and warm. It was one of those typical general practitioner’s clinics that dot Bengalooru. A couple of wooden benches were placed in the patients’ waiting area. I sat on one of the benches. It was rickety and uncomfortable.
“Please come inside – I have better seating arrangements in the consultation area!” The stranger smiled apologetically.
I nodded and followed him. It was just as well, because the rain was now splattering inside the waiting area.
The consultation room had a very comforting decor. A table with the doctor’s journals and other paraphernalia was set at the far end of the 5 feet by 8 feet room. A large part of the room was taken up by two comfortable sofas, facing each other, separated by a coffee table. This was certainly different from the rest of the clinics I had been to! There was no examination table too.
“You find this clinic different, isn’t it?” The stranger enquired with a smile.
“Yes! So what is your line of specialization?” I asked curiously, while staring at the doctor. We were still standing, next to each other. We had the same height and build; but he had a kind of vitality about him.
“Oh! I am a psychiatrist!” The doctor gestured for me to sit in one of the sofas.
After I sat down, he followed suit and sat opposite to me.
We sat in uncomfortable silence for a couple of minutes. Then, I said “By the way, I am Raghavan Iyengar.” I wanted to give a handshake, but for that, I had to get up from the comfortable sofa. So I chose to miss the handshake. If he wants, let him extend his hand.
“Oh! This is such a coincidence! My name is Raghavan too!” The doctor smiled enthusiastically like a small boy. He did not extend his hand.
We fell into an easy conversation. I liked this man immensely. It was refreshing to talk to someone different. Outside, the rain kept raging around. For a moment, I thought about Radha; she would be worried, and every five minutes, she would probably peek out of the window to see if I was walking up towards the house.
When a lull fell in the conversation, I hesitatingly said “Doctor, I want an advice.”
The doctor leaned forward with a keen expression. “Please, tell me.”
I looked at my palms. “I think, I am suffering from some kind of depression.”
“Oh! Go on!”
I laughed nervously. “No! I don’t want you to think I am trying to wean a free session out of you, Doctor.”
The doctor waved his hands impatiently. “This is not a session. Just use me as a sounding board!”
I took a deep breath and began. “I think I am suffering from depression. I was never like this, ever. But for last one year, I have become irritable, I lose my temper very quickly, I can’t get along with people…I feel…I feel everyone is out to get me. I feel… that everyone thinks I am useless.” There was a shake in my voice.
“Was there any incident that triggered this?” The doctor’s voice was calm and assuring.
“No! I just feel suffocated…mentally suffocated all the time. Well, I suppose all this has started after my retirement.”
The doctor nodded. “Just speak out your mind. Don’t hold back any thought. Speaking your thoughts aloud has a strange power.”
I nodded again. “I feel so frustrated because…because I feel I don’t have any identity. I…I don’t know if you understand.”
“Help me understand. Normally, I would have said ‘Get another job.’ Now, 99% of the people I know…well, unfortunately, their jobs have become their identities. So much so, they feel their existence is useful, only as long as they have a job! This is an unhealthy state of mind. In your case, I feel there is something deeper that is hurting you. So go on!”
My spirit soared. At last! I had met a person who has a similar wavelength as mine. “Yes!” I exclaimed. “You are right. For most of us, at least I have seen our own society; work life consumes us so much, that it becomes our only identity. For forty-five years, my identity was that I was an accountant. Did I want to be an accountant? I can’t even remember!” I stared unseeingly at the ground for a while. Outside the rain continued to lash.
“You see, Doctor”, I continued with a sigh, “all my life, I have done what my father wanted me to do. ‘Raghavan, study commerce; Raghavan, go to this college; Raghavan, join this job; Raghavan, build a house here…’” I sighed again. “Now, I am sixty-one. And now, I have this sense of urgency…I feel I have to cram my life, create an identity for myself in the coming couple of years.” I looked up at the doctor. He was frowning at me.
“So basically,” the doctor was looking puzzled “you are having the same problem which teenagers have!”
I smiled sadly and nodded. “Not just that…I don’t know how to explain. See, it’s like this. I feel I was always in a cocoon. Lines were drawn for me everywhere. It offered me a sense of security. But, it also meant I just existed. I did not live life. Do you understand what I am saying?” I looked at the doctor intently.
“Yes, very honest, very interesting. Go on.”
“As long as I was within the line, life would go on smoothly,” I continued. “This constant hammering of ‘what to do’, ‘when to do’, ‘how to do’; well it has driven out all confidence in me. I have always lived by the rules. Now, my parents are no more. My only son, by God’s grace is well-settled, I want to…I want to free myself.”
The doctor spread his hands and said “So, what is stopping you?”
“I guess…it is society.” I replied hesitatingly.
“When you say ‘society’ who do you have in mind?” The doctor’s voice was sharp.
“Well… friends, relatives…” I shrugged. “My family – that’s my son, wife, daughter-in-law and grandchildren – I know they will stand behind me whatever may be the case.”
“How often do you meet your son?”
“Everyday.”
“Friends?”
I scoffed. “I don’t have any friends, doctor. Just ex-colleagues and acquaintances.”
“Okay. How often do you meet them?”
I shrugged. “Never, I suppose. I might run into them in some function for a couple of minutes, that’s all.”
“Relatives? How often do you meet them?”
“Oh! Same case. Only…even if I meet them, I don’t talk to them.”
“In that case, when you say society is holding you back, it is really no one! So what is it that you want to do? Don’t feel anything is absurd. Just speak it out.” The doctor encouraged.
I shrugged. “I don’t know…I want to feel alive. Like…like…Michael Douglas or…or Amitabh Bachchan! They both have crossed 65 years…and yet…there is such vitality in them! Do you know why?” My voice had risen by a notch.
The doctor gestured for me to continue.
“It is because they love what they are doing. They…they have a purpose…they have a reason to get up every day in the morning. I want to feel that way!”
The doctor smiled. “So what do you think will make you feel alive?”
“That is the problem, doctor! I don’t know! All my life, I have been doing what I am supposed to do; that I don’t know what I want to do!”
“Do you want to act in movies? Or do you want to learn to play the guitar? Do you want to learn to sing?” The doctor prodded.
I shrugged. “I don’t have any list like that.”
“Yes you have!” the doctor smiled like a small child, “Raghavan, no one is here to judge you or ridicule you. Bare your soul! There must be something that you daydream about!”
His smile was infectious. I gave a short laugh. “Well, for starters, I want to be acknowledged by my family. I want my children to be proud of me. I want my grandchildren to think I am very …what is the word they use…cool…very cool! I want to live in a big bungalow, with my own chauffeured car, and take my Radha around like a queen. At least, forty years ago, that is what I had promised her, and she would laugh gently at me. But…I feel…I feel that poor girl has spent all her life only in the kitchen!” My voice choked and I could not go on.
The doctor gave me a couple of seconds and said “All the things you have said; are very much achievable! Although, I must add that your family is proud of you…it is just that you don’t realize it!”
I looked up incredulously at the doctor. Was he joking?
It looked like he had almost read my thought. He laughed and shook his head. “Raghavan, think of an old closet. Let us say, for years and years and years, you have been dumping unwashed laundry into this closet. You never remove anything from here, but you only keep adding. And, you keep this closet locked all the time. What do you think will happen whenever you open the door of this closet?”
I shrugged and said “There will be a stink!”
The doctor nodded with a smile. “Let us say I want to now clean this closet. What do you think I should do?”
I was puzzled with his example. “I suppose one has to throw out all the stinking clothes, and keep the doors open for fresh air. Possibly even keep the closet in some sunshine.”
“Exactly!” The doctor clapped his hands. “The mind is like a closet, Raghavan. All the negative emotions like fear, bad memories, depression, anxiety, anger, hatred, jealousy…these are like dirty laundry. We humans tend to nurture these feelings, and feel sorry for ourselves. Before long, we would have ‘collected’ so much dirty laundry that our mind starts to ‘stink’. This negativity takes over our personality; it spreads like a dark ink blotting on a tissue paper. What happens when you touch an ink-smudged paper? It rubs off on your skin right? It is the same with a person with only negative thoughts. His or her negativity rubs around everywhere, making everyone unhappy. It is like looking out of a window, through a very dirty pane, stained with years of dust and dirt. No matter how beautiful the view is outside, you will always see the world as a dirty place!”
I stared at him. Deep down, I knew he was right. “So what should I do?”
“Open your closet. Throw out all these negative feelings. Throw out your frustrations of the last forty-five years! Yew!” The doctor wrinkled his nose. “Imagine the stink of forty-five years of accumulation!”
I laughed out loud.
“Go on! Close your eyes. And imagine opening the closet door. Imagine picking up the dirty laundry baskets one by one and throwing it out. Imagine an empty closet, into which bright sunshine is streaming in.”
I closed my eyes, and did as I was told. A little while later, I opened my eyes, and smiled at the doctor. “My closet is now empty!” I informed happily.
“Excellent! Excellent!” The doctor enthused, while rubbing his palms together. “Now, we have to slowly start putting precious things in this closet. We must also ensure that the doors are always open, for others to see and admire these precious things. Ready?”
“YES!”
“We will start with a small experiment. The most precious things are good times with loved ones, right?”
I nodded.
“Starting this evening, you will figure out ways and means of ‘building great memories’ with your family! Now that your mind is completely clear, ideas will pour in! In due course, the appreciation and acknowledgement that you receive from your family – well this itself will act like sunshine, and illuminate your mind. ”
“Okay…” I said a bit doubtfully.
“Tomorrow, we will meet at the same time! And continue our discussion. Tell me how it goes!” The doctor stood up.
I stood up too. The rain had stopped, and I could hear the traffic.
“I can’t tell you how happy I am to have met you. I would really like to pay for these sessions.” I looked at the doctor earnestly.
The doctor shook his head. “Raghavan, I never charge my patients. You know why? Because we all have answers to our problems within us. Most of the time, we are too afraid or too blind to look at the answers. I merely shine the torch, that’s all!”
I hurried back home. My mind truly felt light, and I felt happy after a long, long time. It was already 7:00pm, and there was a power-cut. But, there was moonlight, and the streets looked beautiful, like a black and white Raj Kapoor-Nargis movie set. I turned into my street, and was touched to see that Radha was standing by the gate, looking up and down the road. I could see my son pacing around too. I had tears in my eyes. My family really loved me, and cared for me. The least I could do was to be happy and cheerful for them.
Radha opened the gate as soon as I neared the house.
“Don’t you have any sense?” Radha chided, she seemed to be very angry. “I hope you did not get drenched in the rain. Why do you always act so smart?”
My son and daughter-in-law shuffled their feet nervously. On earlier occasions, this would have drawn out an angry and loud retort from me. But today, I just smiled. I felt thankful for Radha’s concern about me.
“Sorry!” I said meekly. “I should have listened to you. Can you give me another round of coffee?”
Radha was so shocked that she burst into tears. Sridhar and Rhea gave me hesitant smiles, and we all walked into the house.
My eleven year old grandson Aditya and fourteen year old grand-daughter Archana were playing a game of chess in candle light.
Radha gave me the coffee and it tasted like heaven, as always. I said so. She mumbled something, but looked immensely pleased. Indeed, her look was like sunshine beaming into my now empty closet.
We all fell into easy conversation, and I could not remember a single instance in the past two years, when I had felt so relaxed. My eyes fell on the newspaper and an ad caught my eye.
“Are you all free this weekend?” I asked with sudden enthusiasm. My grandchildren looked up. There was a new tone in my voice! “If all of you are free, we can watch Avatar!”
“Thatha!” Aditya said wearily, with his hands on his cheeks – an expression which I love, “Dashavataram has come and gone lonnnnng time back. We had called you for the movie…but you said movies make you vomit.”
I burst out laughing. How ridiculous I had been! “No dude!” I said, cunningly using his lingo, “I meant this James Cameron’s Avatar.” Now, my Archana turned around to stare at me.
“Thatha!” She exclaimed, “I did not even know you knew James Cameron’s name!!!”
I laughed again and gave a sly wink. “My father was very strict when it came to movies. In general, he felt movies are corrupting, and that too, English movies…they were considered as sheer blasphemy! Coming to think of it, my father frowned on any kind of entertainment. For years, we did not have a TV or a radio in the house!” My voice sounded far away. “Anyway! So I would sneak out without his knowledge to watch movies. Even after marriage! In fact, Radha and I went to watch Aliens…it was released in 1986, and was directed by James Cameron. I have been his fan ever since. We had to leave behind Sridhar at home, lest he blurted out the truth!”
The children squealed with delight!
Radha smiled at the memory. “We were like this college couple who had to tell lies to go and watch movies!” My daughter-in-law Rhea had an incredulous expression on her face.
I laughed and said “We said we were going to a friend’s house for a puja.” My eyes connected with Radha’s eyes, and we shared a warmth that rippled across the room.
That evening we smiled and laughed a lot. When it was time for my son’s family to leave, he hovered around. I looked at him in a puzzled way.
“Appa,” he said softly, “I did not know you had it so tough. I mean…lying to even watch a movie…and yet…and yet…you brought me up with so much independence! I…thank you!”
Radha wiped her eyes. So did Rhea. I just patted my boy’s head. “I also found your Playboy issues hidden in the attic. I don’t know how you managed to get them. Anyway, when Aditya turns sixteen, maybe you should pass on the legacy”. We all laughed long and hard.
**************************
Over the next couple days, there was a transformation in me that stunned everyone, including myself. Although when I looked into the mirror, a sprightly sixty-one year old stared back at me; the real man inside felt not a day over twenty one. I realized the power of thought at that moment. The lethargy, the irritation, the feeling of emptiness and helplessness had all vanished without a trace. Instead, I felt energetic, happy, contented, and what’s more…I had started looking forward to each day.
For some reason, I did not tell anyone about my encounter with the doctor. He was my special secret. I met him almost every day. We used to have long chats, some philosophical, some psychological – and each day, I would return enriched by his knowledge.
After almost two weeks, during one such lengthy conversation (could one be ambitious, and yet, spiritual?) a noise outside the clinic disturbed us. Before we could react, the door to the inner consultation area was yanked open, and a surprised kid tumbled in. He was about ten years, dressed in a black and grey checked shirt and black shorts with Spiderman printed on the pockets. He yelped in a startled way when he saw us. I was surprised too. “Do you want to meet the Doctor Uncle?” I asked with a smile.
The boy looked frightened and looked around, and looked at me finally. He shook his head slowly and ran away.
I laughed and turned back to the doctor. I could see that our train of thought was broken, and we sat in a comfortable silence.
“Raghavan, you have made stupendous progress! Only one more thing remains to be achieved!” The doctor looked at me with a twinkle in his eyes.
“Oh! Tell me!” I leaned forward eagerly.
“The bungalow and the chauffeured car!”
I looked at the doctor with bemusement. “Oh! It is just a wish, doctor! I know it is not possible…I am anyway very happy now!”
“No, no, no, no!” The doctor literally sang out, as he shook his head and wagged the index finger of his right hand from side to side. “We can’t leave an experiment halfway through!”
I laughed and said “If this had been ten years ago, I would have given it a shot. Now, I am retired.”
“Raghavan! The mind is ever-expanding like the universe. Don’t put any boundaries on your capabilities. You know, some years ago, I read a research article. The objective of the research was to find out if some people are indeed, luckier than others!”
I smiled and settled down in a comfortable position. I simply loved these small stories!
“You know when we see a successful person; our first reaction is ‘Oh! He’s a lucky bugger!’” The doctor continued, “So for this experiment, they brought in a bunch of people. Half of them said they felt lucky, and stumbled upon opportunities easily. The other half grumbled that no matter how hard they tried, they failed to spot opportunities. Hence, they were unlucky.” The doctor peered at me to see if I was listening, and proceeded, “All of them were presented with the same set of opportunities, albeit disguised in one way or the other. The findings, or the results of this experiment, are very stunning. The so-called ‘lucky’ fellows, proved to be very positive, optimistic blokes. Because of this outlook, consciously and subconsciously, they managed situations such that the results would always be favourable to them. So, quite naturally, they were able to spot all the opportunities. Thus, to the outside world, they were lucky. The experiment also noted that people tend to help a positive and optimistic person, even without being asked. Now, the other half – they were pessimistic, usually visualized failures, risks and threats in every opportunity. Hence, they preferred not acting on an opportunity, or just work halfway through before dropping off. Because these people were so focussed only on the negative side, they missed the bigger picture”.
“Very, very interesting!” I agreed.
“The power of visualization is something stupendous, Raghavan! Keep visualizing yourself in a bungalow, or sitting in that chauffeured car! Not just a hazy picture – it should be as clear as a blue-ray DVD! Visualize as many details as possible. The colour of your floor tiles, the kind of sofas, colour on the walls – everything. This will help you channelize your actions. There is no need for you to run behind anything. The mind is so fantastic, and so subtle, that even without your knowledge; you will gravitate towards achieving this goal!”
I smiled happily and lifted my hands. “I will do as you say! But I have a question – it is a silly question, though!”
“Aah! Tell me!”
“If I keep visualizing that I won a lottery…will it really happen?”
“No,” the doctor answered without hesitation, “But it will certainly influence your actions towards achieving that goal – and in this case, it would influence you to buy lottery tickets every day! If a student keeps visualizing that he or she will win a gold medal – let’s say a scene where the student is actually receiving this prize in front of the entire university – it will propel him/her to study more, read more, research more! You see what I am saying?”
I nodded. Now I had a more mischievous question. “It seems that mind is all powerful – so do we really need God?”
The doctor laughed hard! He wiped his tears away with the back of his hand and said “Every thought, every breath, every action, every reaction is pre-ordained, Raghavan. You might think – ‘Oh! This doctor fellow has helped me, now I am having very good thoughts!’” The doctor shook his head, “Even this meeting was meant to be! Why did you walk inside this particular doorway only…on that rainy evening? Why did I feel like inviting you into this clinic? Why did you feel like talking to me?”
I was thoroughly enjoying this debate. “I am confused, doctor! On one hand, you say that my mind is very powerful, and that I can achieve whatever I want to. On the other hand, you are also saying that I don’t have control over anything!”
“It is like this, Raghavan!” The doctor replied with a smile. He too, seemed to be enjoying this discussion, “I will give you a cup. An empty cup. Now, I know you love coffee. So, I will give you all the ingredients for making the coffee. It is left to you, how you make your coffee. Too sweet, too strong, too bitter, too light…just right; or you want a full cup of coffee, or half a cup of coffee…or…you just don’t want to make any coffee at all – leave the cup empty!”
“Ok…?” I was smiling broadly. I was sure this will have another revelation.
“The gift of life, is like that cup, Raghavan. That is your realm of control. You can live life to the fullest, you can lead a bitter life or you can lead an empty life. Each of us, irrespective of where we are born, we all come with the same set of ingredients! All of us…have the same set of emotions. It is left to us – will we allow jealousy, anger and sloth to rule over our lives; or do we allow the light of knowledge, wisdom and honesty to fill our cup?
I was deep in thought, and the doctor noticed this.
“Raghavan!” He called out, “These are deeply philosophical questions, which have been pondered upon by Maha Yogis and Rishis for ages. For you and me, it is enough to know two simple facts – Keep that closet open, filled with light!” The doctor winked and continued “At the same time, surrender to the Creator, so that your closet door remains open to light!”
I sighed. “That certainly simplifies things!”
*****************************
For the next couple of days, I was busy with some family functions – oh! I did meet up with Mr. Astrologer Man and his ilk quite often. But, to my surprise, I drew such amusement from these meetings, that I enjoyed the functions thoroughly! Also, whenever I had a quiet time, I would visualize a lovely bungalow and a nice sedan. Before long, I saw myself admiring myriad bungalows in the quieter areas of Jayanagar and J.P. Nagar!
One afternoon, Radha was bustling around in a hurry – we had to attend a wedding reception. It had been over a week since I had met the doctor, and I kind of missed him. It was strange, I thought, that not once, had I invited him home, or even given him my number. Coming to think of it, I did not know anything about him – I did not know where he lived, whether he had a family, or what his last name was!
Rhea and Sridhar dropped in – they too were coming along for the reception. The kids were spending the evening at a friend’s place. Rhea and Radha immediately started their cacophony – should the bangles match the saree border, or the saree body? Will the maroon lipstick clash with the red tinge in the kanchivaram? I smiled indulgently. My girls!
Sridhar and I sat patiently in the living room, waiting for the ladies. “Appa! See this! Your favourite auto manufacturer is setting up shop in Bengalooru!” Sridhar handed over a recent issue of Business Today to me.
I read the article that Sridhar had pointed out. It was an interview with the CEO. I went through the CEO’s answers repeatedly and frowned. The CEO seemed a bit lost! Having worked for an auto parts manufacturer, I knew this industry very well.
While the ladies got ready, I dashed off an email to the magazine outlining some points I had in mind, with regard to this CEO’s interview. It made me feel good. I had not forgotten my trade after all!
After a couple of days, I was surprised to see an email – from the executive secretary of this CEO! Well, ‘surprised’ is a mild word. I nearly fell off my chair. Oh! I wanted to meet the doctor then and there! In fact, I had not been to meet him after that discussion on visualization!
The secretary’s email was brief, and warm. It read –
Dear Mr. Raghavan,
With regard to a recent interview given by our CEO, Mr.Klaus Zimmermann, published in Business Today; we perused your email that was forwarded to us by the publication. We would be much obliged, if you could elaborate more on your points, through a personal meeting with Mr. Zimmermann.
The secretary had given a number on which I could call, and confirm my availability. My hands shook. I never expected, in my wildest dreams, that I would be meeting the CEO of one of the world’s largest auto manufacturer. I immediately called my son, and explained the situation to him. He was excited too! He promised to try and come home early that day. Well, he was home in half an hour! He had taken two days off too!
With my son and Radha standing behind me, I nervously called the number. The call was picked up by the executive secretary; and she spoke to me very politely. The meeting was fixed for the day after tomorrow; and she said a car would pick me up. Chauffeured car! I was very, very excited!
Sridhar helped me prepare a fantastic Powerpoint presentation – which articulated my thoughts very well. Sridhar researched the company thoroughly and threw different facts and figures at me. I studied these figures and came out with my own interpretations. Finally, the presentation deck was ready. My meeting with the CEO was for 30 minutes. Sridhar had helped me put together ten slides; and helped me with the key messages of each slide. All this was very new to me; but there was a fire inside me. I felt like I was a kid in college. Finally, I rehearsed my presentation in front of my wonderful family. They all clapped, and I felt overwhelmed. Sridhar forced me to buy a beautiful suit and a pair of new shoes.
On the day of the presentation, I must admit, I looked very smart. The car rolled by my gate by 2:30pm. It was a Honda Civic. As I sat down and looked at the plush interiors of the car, I wished Radha were next to me.
The meeting was at 3:00pm, in the corporate head office on Bannerghatta Road. The CEO was a handsome young fellow – possibly just around forty! I was touched when he personally came to the reception to receive me.
He led me into a conference room, and I almost stopped in my tracks. There were at least ten fellows sitting at a large, oval table. The CEO introduced me to everyone – there was the CFO, the COO, the Head of Strategic Marketing, Geo Sales Head and people in other important sounding positions.
Finally, after all of us had settled down, Mr. Zimmermann looked at me and said “Raghavan, I found your email very interesting. So much so, that I circulated it amongst my top team – who are all here in this room. All of them unanimously felt that we have to meet you, and listen to what you have to say!”
I nodded and began with a short introduction of myself – gave them a brief background about my career. Then, I said, “In fact, I have articulated my points in the form of a presentation.” There were murmurs of approvals around me.
My hands shook as I opened the laptop. One of the guys sitting next to me (I think he was the COO), helped me hook up the laptop to a projector. When I opened the first slide, I felt my tongue was stuck inside my mouth. I took a deep breath, and started. Before I knew it, I was answering all their queries like as if I had been with their company for decades. The half an hour meeting stretched for one and half hours! At the end of it, everyone stood up and clapped, and shook my hands.
I was dropped home, and needless to say, that entire evening we sat talking about my meeting! I wished I had taken the doctor’s number! Oh! How I wanted to share this experience with him!
The next day, I was getting ready for my walk, and of course for my meeting with the doctor. Radha was preparing coffee, and Archana and Aditya were sprawled on the sofa – Archana was reading Harry Potter and Aditya was watching T.V. The door bell rang, and Aditya, being nearest to the door, hopped across and opened the door. In a minute, I heard him shout “Thatha!” excitedly.
I hurried to the door, and was surprised to see Mr. Zimmermann at the door. I welcomed him and led him to the sofa in the living room. I was feeling horribly aware of my state of dress, or undress – I was in a veshti and a vest. I introduced Radha and my grandchildren. Aditya immediately asked “When will you come out with the world’s fastest car?”
Mr. Zimmermann smiled and said “As soon as you give me the design!”
Radha had poured coffee in our ‘special’ china cups, instead of steel tumblers. Archana prudently pulled away Aditya into a room.
We spoke about Bengalooru in general for a couple of minutes. Then, Mr. Zimmermann cleared his throat and brought out a glossy envelope. He stood up and handed it over to me, and sat down again.
“Raghavan, all of us are very impressed with your thorough knowledge of the auto industry. This is lacking in my team – this hands-on, grass root level knowledge. We believe that having you on board, as a consultant, will be a huge advantage for us. We believe, we very much need your guidance and inputs.” He gestured at the envelope and said, “Given the fact that you are above sixty, we cannot take you on as a full-time employee…well technically. So we would like to hire you on a contractual basis – renewable once every 12 months. However, your financial remunerations and perks will be similar to that of a full-time employee. Hmm…I think your role can be mapped on to that of a Vice-President of our organization. I humbly request you to please go through the offer letter, and let me know your decision”.
I sat stunned. I did not know what to say. “I…thank you for this offer, Mr. Zimmermann. I will definitely call you tomorrow; but even without looking at this letter, I can tell you, my answer will be ‘Yes!’
That evening, Radha and I went to a nearby temple and sat there for a long time, lost in our thoughts. I thanked the Lord again and again for having bestowed this blessing on me!
That night, after Sridhar and Rhea came home, I opened the offer letter. My pulse quickened as I scanned the letter. In fact, I think I stopped breathing. Phrases jumped out at me –
Overall package of Rs. 35,000,000 which includes health insurance for family.
Stock options as a joining bonus.
A choice of three furnished/unfurnished residences – I could choose the one I liked the best. I could also opt to stay in my current residence.
During the tenor of my service, I would be provided with a car, and a driver for personal and professional use.
My grandchildren whooped and clapped and kissed me! My son kept thumping me on my shoulders, while Radha and Rhea…well they burst into tears while laughing.
*****************************
The next day I communicated my decision to Mr. Zimmermann. I would be starting my job within a week! Radha and I were taken by the company car to see the three residences. I left the decision to Radha. Two of the residences were penthouse apartments. But Radha chose an independant bungalow with a large lawn (“We can keep the Tulasi brindavana in the middle of the lawn” she had exclaimed excitedly). The bungalow was a six bedroom affair, fully furnished and tastefully decorated. The company said we could move in whenever we were ready. They would take care of the logistics of packing and transporting our stuff.
As soon as we returned home, I left almost immediately to meet the doctor. It was still 2:00pm, and I hoped he would be in the clinic. He did not consult anywhere else, as far as I knew. The thought of him filled my heart with warmth. There had to be some way to thank him! I was thinking of all the things I could do for him – perhaps help him set up a good clinic somewhere…I mean, people needed a doctor like him!
I reached the doorway to Happiness Clinic and almost ran up the stairs. When I reached the corridor, I stopped short, and gasped. The series of shops on this floor stood in ruins. There were bricks and jelly stones lying everywhere. I ran towards the clinic. It stood in shambles too. Gone were the rickety benches, the comfortable chairs. I was distraught! I cursed myself for not being in touch with this wonderful doctor. Oh! God! Where did my friend go?
I hurried back to the road. There was a small provision store opposite to this building. I dashed across and peered inside. The owner of the store was an old man, of my age. He was dressed in a torn vest and lungi. He was reading a Kannada daily, and behind him an ancient table fan whirred hypnotically. It was one of those small kirana shops where you could buy everything – from noodles to notebooks. He looked up and removed his thick glasses.
“That building opposite,” my voice was shrill, “when was it demolished?”
The shopkeeper looked strangely at me and said “It has been like that forever.”
Something in my face must have alarmed him. He came out of his shop and stood next to me. He pointed to the building and said “This is the one you are talking about right?”
I nodded.
“Yes…this has been under litigation for a long time. More than twenty years I think. I have been here all my life, and as far as I can remember, it has always been like this.”
There must be some horrible mistake! I must have come to the wrong place! But I knew that this was the place.
“There was a clinic called ‘Happiness Clinic’ here. Do you know where it is? There was a doctor…hmmm….my age and build…have you seen him?”
“No, you must have come to the wrong road.” The shopkeeper continued to stare at me.
I mumbled my thanks and left. I had walked a couple of steps when I spotted the kid who had rushed into the clinic during one of my discussions with the doctor. The kid was playing by himself with a bunch of marbles. A lady, presumably his mother, sat nearby, cleaning raagi. The kid looked at me hesitatingly. I smiled at him and said “No school today?”
“Go on! Given an answer to Thatha!” his mother cajoled him.
“I had been to school in the morning.” He replied shyly, twisting his shirt tail.
I turned to the child’s mother and asked her about the building.
“You must have come to the wrong road, Saar. We have been residing here for last five years…that building has always been in ruins.”
I just nodded and looked at the kid. He had stopped playing, and he was staring at me. I looked back at the mother. She was now busy talking to a neighbour.
I quickly spoke to the kid in a low voice, “You have seen me with Doctor Uncle, right? Do you know where Doctor Uncle is?”
The kid scratched his head with all his fingers. Eventually, when I was about to move on, the kid said “You were alone.” In the unabashed manner in which kids speak, he addressed me in a singular term. I turned to him …perhaps I had not heard him properly?
“You were alone.” The kid repeated, “Speaking to yourself. Every time you went into that building, I used to follow you. You would sit on a broken chair and talk to yourself. I thought you were practising for a drama. Afterwards, I got bored.” The boy went back to playing with his marbles.
My head was in a whirl as I hurried home. My breath came in short gasps, as cold sweat seeped out of my pores. Who was that doctor? Did I imagine him? He said his name was Raghavan too…did I have a split personality? Or had I spent the best days of my life with a ghost? Or, was it God in the form of a friend who had materialized to help me? Or, was I so depressed and frustrated that I had projected my own sub-conscious mind? I will never know the answers to these questions for the rest of my life.
Meanwhile, I continue to keep the closet doors open; and now, the doctor lives inside me.
THE END
A Handful of Olives
The Essence of Mortality
A College Romance
Stars of Bagamandala
