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Killer Instinct

Katha Sagar Contest Killer Instinct

Jake saw Helen walking in front of him. The crunch of leaves under their feet resounded in the lonely woods.  She was excited about their weekend away from the city. Jake remembered the first day he had met Helen.

They had met during group grief counseling. Helen had found her fiance David murdered in their Apartment. She was trying to deal with his death and her own feelings. She had spoken about her nightmares and dreams during grief counseling. They all had to talk about the loss and how they were dealing with it.

Jake had been attracted towards Helen. Her green eyes had a pain which made him want to protect her. After many counseling sessions they had become friends. Slowly, she started telling him about her story.

David had been a doctor at the city hospital. They had met when both were still in Pre-Med and totally hit it off. He was sweet and kind. They were to be married in six weeks when Helen had come home to find the apartment ransacked and the love of her life dead in their bathtub.

David had been troubled for some days. He had suspected that someone on the Hospital Board was running an organ scam. He was suspicious when two of his patients had suddenly passed away after being operated successfully for minor surgeries. He had started searching for clues and one day he found some papers which could lead him to the culprit. He had copied the documents and brought it back to the apartment and hidden it in a safe place which only both of them knew. Helen had no doubts the reason for David’s murder. Even though she knew it was dangerous, she started searching for proof. She wanted answers. She could not let David’s death go in vain.

Helen was getting very close to the truth. Since she worked in the same hospital she was able to uncover a lot of information. It was not long before she had sufficient proof about the killer’s identity. All this was making Jake’s employer very nervous. He had been ordered to find out the truth and then kill Helen.

Jake was a contract killer and had been hired to find out how much Helen knew about the scam. Though did not have a hand in David’s death, Jake had to find out the details and pass on the information to the people who were involved in the organ scam.

Jake was an ex-marine who had been trained as an assassin in his previous job. Killing came naturally to him. It had always been cold and impersonal. The target was always just an unknown entity that had become an inconvenience for the power brokers of his country. This job was the toughest he had ever done in his entire career. He had become attracted to Helen’s vulnerability. He had never felt like this about any other woman. He wanted to hold her and comfort her. He wanted to make the hurt and pain go away from her eyes. Over time he realized that he had fallen in love with her.

Helen’s voice broke his reverie. He saw her smiling at him.

Helen said “Are you fine Jake? You seemed a little lost.

He nodded and gave her a smile.  She turned and started walking again.

He saw her so happy and carefree. She looked relaxed and peaceful.

It was certain death for him if he did not kill Helen. He knew the people who hired him will hire someone else to get the job done. His heart and mind were in turmoil. Love was the only pure thing which had touched his heart in a long time.

He had to act even if he did not want to do so. Life was cruel and unfair. He knew he could never have a life with Helen.

Jake pulled out the gun from his jacket. He raised it in front of him and fired.

Photo : http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v27/AgentNora/blog/bloodroses.png


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About the Author

Lazy Pineapple

I am Lazy Pineapple. I am not Lazy and Pineapple is not my favourite fruit. I currently live with my Husband in a town called Lancaster in UK. I have never written professionally nor have I been trained in the skill of writing. I just write for my pleasure though currently I am dreaming of becoming a Professional Blogger. Head on over to www.lazypineapple.com if you want want to read some more.

Blog : http://www.lazypineapple.com

  • I really appreciate your effort given that you have chosen a very tough topic for a short story. Check out 'A Gun For Sale', a complete novel by Graham Greene dealing with this topic in depth. My personal view - More on relationship between Jake and Helen or Jake's internal emotional conflict would have done more to your story than the details of circumstances surrounding David's death.
  • Thanks 'The fool' for your comment. I will check out the book you have suggested. Hmm...in retrospect I think I should have written a longer story....which would have given me space to write about all the aspects and characters of the story.
  • This story had a good beginning and an even better ending. However, a strong middle would have made it fantastic. Just left with a feeling that there should have been more. But hey! That speaks a lot about your style.
  • Thank you Vivek :) I am a newbie fiction writer and hence still sharpening my skills. I am working on it..thank you for your candid comment.
  • Yateesh Sardesai
    Nice idea for the story and very well laid out in such a short story. Emotions handled very well.
  • woohoo..is this the Yateesh I know....great to see your comment here...I am glad you liked it :)
  • That was a good effort. I expected a twist. :)
  • Thank you shail :)
  • What's with contract killers and spys? I just posted a story "Beyond Rush Hours", that involves an ex-spy, and now I read that you are talking about a contract killer! Great minds think alike? :) Loved your story..short and punchy.
  • hehhe I am a thriller fan actually...all thanks to reading books.
    I will go check out your story :)
    Thanks and I am glad you enjoyed the story.
  • Nashsingh
    Lazy Pinapple

    I know you are not Lazy and not Pineapple but the story (the substance) is great! It will definitely make a bestseller.

    Grammar and flow are good. In a contest for short stories, the narrative had to be a little rushed. I understand that and commend you for handling it the way you have.

    keep it up(can raise and fire)!
  • I am glad you liked it. Yes I had to make the story quite compact so as not to lose the effect at the end.

    Thanks for your comment :)
  • The suspense keeps you going, till you reach the end
  • Thanks Joe :)
  • A comment on the plot. Why would Helen not turn those papers over to the police and let THEM investigate? That David was murdered would mean they would take her seriously. Why would she continue the investigation by herself, especially since her husband was murdered (before he had clear proof implicating a specific individual/s)?
  • To answer your questions..
    Helen is the one who finds her fiancé in their own home...so she is a prime suspect so cannot go to the police cause they might not believe her...

    She wanted answers about David's death hence the investigation....and she does not have clear proof yet...she is getting closer to finding it therefore Jake is hired...

    Thank you for reading :)
  • The plot was written like a bestseller. I thought you would end with Jake helping Helen. But it was different. Though it wasn't a twist, it was a twist to our twist-seeking mind :)
    Good job :)
  • oh wow thanks megha :)

    well the ending is open ended...it is for a reader to perceive his/her own end.
  • I thoroughly enjoyed the plot :)
    I loved the chaos of thoughts you portrayed in your words that had been going on in Jake's mind just before the end.

    Keep up the good work & good luck for the contest.

    Cheers!!
  • Thank you Chatterbox :) I am glad you liked the story
  • Suddhasattwa Ganguly
    May be this is the first story I ever read with everything so directly told. Still the suspense prevailed till the end. Quite a uneque style that was.
  • THANKS :) I am glad you liked the story :)
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  • Only registered members can vote. You can register and then vote. We would
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  • Sid
    Arey, the story is written nice, but I did not like the outcome of it, you could twist it and make Jake revert on his employeers, where love makes a killer human, that would end in a positive note. This one ends in negative note.

    but thats your story, and full marks for handling the issue so well.
    :)
  • Sid, the ending is how you would like to conclude it as a reader, it is completely open ended....I have tried to put across the killer as a human being with same indecisions and difficulties when it comes to LOVE.

    Thanks for reading it :)
  • Sid
    Yup, as I said full marks for handing the issue. You are written it splendidly.
  • Thanks Sid :)
  • LP, the story works as a thriller, but I feel that it is not a short story material...it can be a long short shory or something, where you can concentrate more on events, dialogues, trust issues, a sense of lurking danger, and off course, the physological changes in the killer struck by love...though these elements are present here in varying proportions, they don't provide the kind of impact the story deserves, coz of its short lenght. Its like you have informed the reader about the events, and not told the story the way stories are told. I don't say it being too critical, I think the story has a potential to grow. But it is a good piece, never the less! Cheers!
  • Jigar...I wrote it as a thriller and surely a longer post would have lessened the impact of the ending.
    A longer story would mainly focus on the emotions of the killer rather than his dilemma. The story is not from the point of view of the killer but is mainly a narrative of how situations can change even a cold hearted killer...
    Thank you for your feedback :)
  • bookslifenmore
    Loved the story :) As I have said in ur blgo as well, you have it in you to have your book published!! You should start thinking on the lines of writing a book!
  • Thanks Smita :)
    OMG a book....I am so flattered *hugs*....

    You have planted the seeds for a book in my head....would be difficult to shake it off
  • amitl
    I liked the racy pace of the story. Leaving the end open-ended, gives it an option-maybe,just maybe in that moment of indecision,Jake kills himself, rather than Helen?
  • yeah :) that was the whole point of leaving the end like that...it is upto the reader to conclude the story :)
  • I liked the story...
  • Thank you Titaxy :)
  • I liked this one. I expected more blood for some reason :)
  • Thank you shruthi :)
  • quirkyloon
    I liked the overall plot and the twists! Good job!
  • thanks quirky :)
  • phoenixritu
    Simple narrative - liked it
  • Thanks Ritu :) I am glad you liked it...
  • shilpagarg
    Nice story...
  • Thank you shilpa :)
  • mukidve
    @ Lazy Pineapple :)
    Am actually partial to stories with a twist. So I was very sure I saw a twist coming, what with Helen being David's killer, getting Jake to help her unearth the scam and then eventually killing off Jake. But that would have been too predictable.
    So by keeping the story simple you have done well, I just feel you could have developed the relationship between Helen and Jake a bit more.
    That's a great effort :)
  • Thank you Mukdive:)

    I wanted to show that a Killer has different shades in his personality. He cannot be just a ruthless killer...as it is usually shown, a very efficient, non feeling human.

    Thank you so much for your feedback :) I truly appreciate it.
  • What I liked -

    - core content is well thought through and tied up.
    - narrative had shades of Bourne
    - The anti-twist end

    Critique -

    - The story flow could do with rearranging. [e.g start with para 2?]
    - Question - how do you visualize this story panning out?
    ------> Racy thriller with R.E.M shots, [think After hours]
    ------> Slow build leading to emotional high [think 7]
    ------> Mystery thriller leaving questions unanswered [think Basic Instinct]

    and there could more descriptions, based on this your narrative framework could be
    arranged or rearranged accordingly.This also gives you the knowledge where exactly
    you can introduce originality element in the story...or the twist.

    Tough one but -The other option of course is to develop your unique style of writing.
    Think Adiga - The white tiger narrative is quite exquisite.

    overall - a good story Lazy Pineapple,your effort in thinking about the story is evident.
  • wow Gyaanban...I am really bowled over by the intricacy with which you have put across the way to write a thriller.
    I am a newbie...with just 4-5 stories under my belt. But this surely helps. I agree more description would have definitely helped. Will remember your pointers in the future.
  • It is to your story's credit that it got me ticking.!:-)I must commend that you took the feedback in the right spirit - because there is nothing personal to it. It is just objective. Typically, people tend to get defensive about their creations...just like parents ! Isn't it ?

    You might notice, that the defensiveness is higher,if say the critiquing is from a general ordinary blogger like you or me for example - ironically, if the same were to be done by , say Chetan Bhagat, acceptability would be higher. Why so ? Just because he wrote a couple of popular chicklits ?

    As long as the idea is to be objective about it - neutral about it - then who delivers it,is immaterial ,and should have no bearing on someone's defensiveness index. Right?

    Having said that -I am no expert either,by any stretch of imagination - and I make no bones about it. I too make the same errors as everyone else - which is why when I read a post these things catch my eye instantly.

    I believe when someone takes an effort to write a story, it should get its due share of respect of mind share and time share.! Blogs /posts are not jiffy platforms. They need time, patience and analytical thinking. A quick breeze through and a cosmetic comment is worthless. So I take it with a pinch of salt.

    Therefore,I try to make sure my appreciation and critiquing,are genuine,and they are to the best of my ability and judgement.
  • What you said is absolutely true....about people getting offended and stuff. Being objective is the way to go. My theory has been to learn and evolve my writing style. If I read my first post, I get to see how far I have come.

    Maybe people get offended cause they have been trained in writing and have actually written for some media or the other so do not take kindly to criticism :) I feel very good that you took the time to read and process the story.
    The points you have raised has definitely given me something to think about so I again thank you for your observations :)
  • Nice effort Lazy Pineapple (your moniker brings a smile..). It is a simple story that cuts right to the chase and keeps up till the end.

    The editor in me would advice you to vary the sentence length and tone to achieve better results. Short sentences interfere with the flow(makes it choppy), try combining them with a conjunction, or a comma.

    Ex : He had never felt like this about any other woman. He wanted to hold her and comfort her. He wanted to make the hurt and pain go away from her eyes. Over time he realized that he had fallen in love with her.

    He longed to hold her, to comfort her, and make the hurt and pain in her eyes go away. He had never felt this way before. It slowly dawned on him; he was in love.

    Add in a dialogue or two as well, it helps mix things up..
  • Thank you Maya, I agree with you about the sentence length. It definitely will make a difference in the flow of the story. Thank you for your valuable input. I will surely work on this flaw in my future stories.
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