It's Pouring | INDImag - Contemporary fiction | Motivational short stories | Social stories

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It’s Pouring

By Megha • March 7, 2010

The TV was on, but my mind wasn’t at it, it was busy thinking of my sister. It was already 9 p.m. and she was not yet back. Her phone appeared to be switched off, which wasn’t unusual given the monsoon. Every minute was making me more restless. Just then, the door door bell rang.

The swashing sound of the downpour got prominent as I opened the door, bringing the cool breeze in. Ritu scurried inside, drenched. Something made me stir. She had blood on her face, her eyes were red. I was shocked.

“Where’s Neha ?”, I inquired. “Didi, we met an accident, you need to come with me” she blubbered in shaky voice. I was dumbstruck. It took a few seconds to realize what she said. I swamped in chair.

“Let’s go. Have you informed your parents ?”

“No. Now we need to go to Neha. You inform them later”.

“Stay here, I’ll get my scooty” I realised my voice was quivering and so was my body.

“No…” she quietened. I glared at her. “We had taken the scooty.” I was so furious that I might have hit her but I was too weak. I might have collapsed.

“Yes, it must be you. I have always warned her to stay away from you. But you have jinxed her. I hope she is ok. If anything happens to her I will not forgive you. Now tell me where is she ?” I ran over her ragingly as I questioned her. She stepped back terror-struck.

“On the highway…” she muttered in broken words.

“Driving scooter on Highway?” Enraged, I pulled her towards the road. We walked in the rain. Thankfully it was not more than 10 minutes and we reached fast.

I saw her lying in a puddle. The Scooty was bashed on the rocky wall and Neha was at a distance from the scooty. I ran towards her at once I saw her, falling on my kneels. I placed her head on my my lap, her left body smeared in blood.

“I am sorry aunty”, Ritu’s timid voice said.

“Get out of here…Please…Leave us”, I uttered with choking voice.

“I am sorry. I love her. Please tell her that”.

I pressed 102 and called the ambulance. Rage was taken over by fear and I started praying loudly. Asking for life of my sister in return of anything. God will help, He would never harm an innocent life, I was sure. Then I saw something, I carefully placed Neha down and walked behind the scooty. A body was lying there, it was of Ritu.

Ritu ? I was confused. I checked pulse, there was none. She is dead ? Her last words rang in my ears, I love her. Tell her that. I was dumbstruck. Ritu came to me to save her friend to give her last message. Past five minutes were flashing before my eyes, the blood, the shiver, the sob, the confession, the love, it made me dizzy and numb. The sounds of ambulance siren could be heard. I turned. They had taken the two inside. I climbed in. I kept looking out at the road from the back screen as we drove away. In the flooded yellow lights, in the hazy rain, a figure could be seen watching us leave… perhaps praying, perhaps calling.

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Categories: KATHA SAGAR
Tags: "katha sagar", accident, friendship, highway, love, moped, rain, repentance, Scooty, sister

About the Author

Megha

A software engineer by profession, I am a writer and photographer by heart. Reading, Writing and clicking photographs are my Food and oxygen. Even tough I am amateur writer now, I look myself building my writing skills and see a long way to go!

Blog : http://fullofcherries.blogspot.com/

The Fool

This ghost theme is an oft repeated one. Still you managed to bring the twist in the end. I never guessed there was a ghost. Overall story was small and nice.
Megha

Thanks. Glad u like it :)
Vivek Thaokar

A good narration of how emotions take hold of us in such situations. Ritu calls her Didi first and then Aunty. An inadvertent slip I am sure. I see most have advised you about grammar. Just give the story a little more time before submitting. After all its your baby.
Megha

Thanks Vivek for reading and commenting.
Shail

I liked the story and the way you presented it.
Megha

Thanks Shail :)
Shruthi

Neat one Megha. This one brought back memories that were stashed deep within (less distressing though!). Thank you!
Megha

Thanks Shruthi.
Arun

The setting was nice, and the story moved at a quick pace. But I found it quite predictable: Ritu walked in with bloodshot eyes and left with a cryptic message; I was certain she would turn out to be a ghost. It has to hit the reader as more of a surprise, which would be the case if Ritu seemed absolutely uninjured and simply disappeared, only for her body to be found much later.
Megha

I think Predictability is subjective. Thanks Arun for reading and commenting. I'll keep your comment in mind :)
Chatterbox

Wonderful portrayal of emotions :)
Keep up the good work and good luck for the contest!

Cheers!!
Megha

Thanks Chatterbox :)
Nashsingh

Dear everyone
Looking at the example here, I was wondering if in case of "obvious" typo (like 2 "door"), one should be allowed to revise the story once after it has been published. The editor may keep the right to allow that on case by case basis. He/she may outline the categories clearly that will be allowed to be corrected/rectified after publication. a time limit(say 24 hrs) can be imposed.

What do you people think?

thanks
Madhu | INDImag.com

Couple of clarification on this :

1. This already has happened, Sid earlier today wanted a correction and was
allowed to as there was nothing that prevented us from doing it(like 2). So
yes, if it is within a few hours, we can. We cannot however let editing
after. Again we still *want to prevent this* ; you have all the tool to help
you avoid it : Revise ; use *PREVIEW* and see how your post looks ; use
spell check. *There's no substitute for it. *

2. On any post where time has elapsed or people have pointed that as a flaw,
we will not allow edits. It will make the need for edits continual and
progressively render valid comments useless.

*It is really in your hands. If not ready do not submit. *
Nashsingh

Thanks for the clarification Madhu.

regards
Megha

Thanks Nishith and Madhu.

Well, actually yea, I agree there was a slip about 'door door' even after revision and I take the blame, should have been more careful. I've added the point on my checklist for my future posts.

But somehow the comments each one mentioning typos are making me a bit blue. But as I said, I take it. Maybe the grammar mistake completely got over the soul of story.
Madhu | INDImag.com

Megha, just to clarify, my above reply to Nash was generic and not
just at this post ; I just replied in the same thread it was broached
up.

So that's not just you :-) quite a few posts have had typo issues ;
it's the eagerness to the post in that adds to it :-)
Megha

Yea, I knew that your comments about the correction were generic. But the fact that 'typo got over the soul of the story' is still true.

It's disappointing but not disheartening :) I am open to critic. But too much repetitions takes away the cause. Anyway, the next time I post, I am going to review it twice :)
Nashsingh

I think this is a lesson for us all

regards

Nishith
Nashsingh

This way we can keep the beauty of the story intact. thanks
Tarun Mitra

Megha Plot was nice, but somewhere I feel it could be better done.

Grammar was faulty (but can be excused, we are not English grads we are just novice) but still.

Somewhere I found it bit out of place, means how will you react if a your sister's friend call you "aunty"??

Rest was nice
Megha

Thanks Tarun for reading and commenting :)
Jigar

Nice little twist in the end. You pulled it off well!
Megha

Thanks Jigar :)
Sid

Too good, the matter was written perfectly. In stories like such, convincing the reader is more important, and you have achieved it through emotions.

Too good.
Megha

Thanks Sid for those kind words :)
Manorama Ukidve

Megha,
Great story idea !
Actually apart from the grammar I think it is the execution and construction that could be checked upon just a little bit. In the last para, I was unable to understand: was it Ritu's ghost or Ritu herself who gave the message!
Can totally relate to the scooty-borrowing incident :)
Megha

Manorama,

It was Ritu's ghost. I have mentioned 2 bodies were taken to the ambulance. She comes back to help her friend who's still alive, injured.

Thanks for reading! Will make a note of your comments.
Kumar Hanumanthaiah

Hi Megha, theme is good, but, the anxiety and curiosity has not been presented in the way it would have been. It is a good beginning, keep writing.

I appreciate the suggestions of Gyanban and wish you will take it seriously.

Thanks and wish you all the best.
Megha

I always try to keep the emotions succinct coz sometimes it sounds filmy and another reason is that not many people like 'very emotional' stuff.

But I'll make a note of your comment. Thanks for putting it forward. It helps.

Thanks.
Gyanban

What I liked -

You profile has a typo - tough ?

What I liked -

- simple and short story.

Critique -

---->the door door bell rang.-- two doors? by design ?
---->we met an accident -- grammatical error.

flow,timeline,and impact could have been better.

Please spell check/grammar check as a habit..whether you write an official email or a blog post.
Megha

Thanks for the comments. I see here that I have some serious grammatical issues. Nobody had brought it forth before. So, thanks for bringing it to my notice. I am gonna pick up my grammar book now and start studying.

Thank you all again.
Ranjana Rao Athreya

I liked the story Megha and agree that it portrays how most of us would have reacted in that situation ; especially women. Anger, rage, prayer and then realization that she had been rude to Ritu who had risked it all for her dear friend and lost her life.

On the grammar part, what I like is that you are taking it in the right spirit. Not many do that.
Megha

Thanks Ranjana for reading and appreciating. Glad to see that people like the story.

On grammar, yea, looking at long term perspective, have to take it positively and improve the weak areas :)
Gyanban

Megha - most people in the blog-sphere have an idea about a story - however translating it into words,capturing the thought process,sentiment,and articulation is a easier said than done.
I have learnt by trial and error - sometimes I wonder how could I forget this ? or ignore that ? And the answer is simple - flow/passion. Sometimes we get so engrossed in writing a story..that it in some sense sucks us in.Therefore distancing us from some basic realities.

So, here is what I do before a post - - feel free to add,edit,modify according to what suits you the best -

1. Think through the "55 fiction" of the story...as in the moot point or the crux.What is it that I want my reader to take away.?

2.Build my story - at this stage I don't worry about errors of writing,or any aesthetics.Just get the raw content on a word document.

3.Tie up - for plots, sub plots, hints, subtleties ...make the connection.Research if required.See what element of reality you can bring into the story.If it is a fantasy,then how well are your characters defined.What's their purpose in the story? Etc etc.

4.Take a break - re read this post maybe the next day, with a fresh mind.This is where the typos will filter up!

5. See if I still like it. If not make the changes now. Is the essence of my thoughts being conveyed by the words ? Am I making the reader think the way I want them to think or are there multiple interpretations possible. If so , then is that situation acceptable or not / is it diluting the story, elongating or complicating it unnecessarily.?

6.Now run spell check,grammar check,and aesthetic check. Sometimes still some words slip !

7.Preview it on the platform - see how it will look there.Take a call -

8. Post it.

so you see, the author inside you will slowly, but surely, get trained to go through
this system ?

I am sure you realize these are guidelines and not rules,so , thanks again for taking my suggestions objectively, and I will look forward to reading more of your stories.!
Megha

Oh.Thanks for taking the time and pain to put those points/advice. Really appreciate. I do execute some of the points you mentioned. But still miss out somewhere :(
But your points and really helpful. Will make a note of it :)

Thanks again.
Nashsingh

Loved the central story idea. Flow is good but grammar can be improved. Got emotions well = very effective use of words. Overall appeal is strong and powerful but the scope may be limited in my opinion.
Megha

Thanks for appreciating.
Scope may be limited ? Didn't get what you're trying to say.
Nashsingh

Megha,
Sorry, I have used a word that does not convey much. By "scope" I think I meant that the story may not feel like a stand-alone genre (seems more like the part of a larger piece). Also, it seems limited in symbolism (ramifications if you please). But thats probably me:). An individual reader comment may not mean a lot so please do not take the idiosyncrasies seriously. All in all, I think if it was not for the typo, people would not have come with much critique. The emotional punch your piece delivers is enough to stun.
cheers!
Megha

Thanks Nishith for taking the pain to clarify. I now understand what you were trying to say. I agree with you to some extent.

Appreciation and Comments helps a lot. Thanks!
lazy Pineapple

I loved the story....it reflected our true human nature.
Maya (Editor @ IM)

Agree with LP(that's an interesting moniker :-) ) here . Human nature and our knee jerk reactions have been well portrayed. I would have done the same as the didi did.

PS : The grammar did spoil it a bit for me . Sorry :-( ..
Megha

Thanks for reading and appreciating. I am gonna work on my grammar.
Megha

Thanks Madhu for the review. Will definitely me.
Madhu | INDImag.com

Megha,
That was a nice story. My two cents :

What I Liked :
1. A very good story that had love,emotions, realization and repentance, all in a compact post.
2. The story is focused, does not veer and conveys it's moral in a a few short paras.

Areas of potential improvement :
1. Grammar was faulty in a few places -- missing 'the' and 'door' repeating in the first para. Revision will ensure silly things like these do not take away from a good story.